Alright listen up, I think we all know last night was not pretty.  It was a hell of a sweaty mess, and I know you understand I’m not talking about the good kind of sweaty mess, right?  What I’m talking about is what was probably the worst night of sleep in goddamn recent memory.   Do I look well rested to you?  No, I didn’t think so.  I have a kink in my neck and my back hurts like hell, and why?  Because of you.  See, I thought you were supposed to support me.  I mean, isn’t that what you are MADE for?   I toss and turn and scrunch you both up, and then my head literally sinks straight down to the goddamn mattress.  It’s like you’re not even there!  I’ve never seen such a couple of lame, sorry ass, piece of crap pillows in my life!  I mean, I could fit you both into my goddamn wallet.  What are you made out of— AIR? Aren’t pillows by definition fluffy?  Naw, not you two.  You two have seen your day, and that day was a long time ago.  Oh look, it’s almost bedtime.  I better go get two socks and lay them under my head.  That’ll be better than having to deal with you two sons of bitches.

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